4. Pie accident
Finally on Sunday God has taken the day off. I hoped on Monday he'll be in a better mood, but I was terribly wrong. How surprised I was when I saw that bitch beside me. Yeah, you're right... That was my freakin' bitch, or, for the feminists among the dogs, my female companion. However you like, but I'm still shaking when I remember. So God punished me for our little misunderstanding. I hoped he will forgive me but he didn't for many years. Maybe he finally would, but then the pie accident occurred.
I'm sure you've heard about that, but I'm also sure you haven't heard all the truth. That's why I'm here...
One sunny day Adam and Eve, my beloved bitch and I were walking along the Garden of Eden. Day was beautiful. Adam has whispered to Eve, she was smiling, my spouse was barking as she always did, and I... I was just taking a sunbath, slowly singing and slightly farting. Eve was self pronounced stylist and fashion designer, so she just wanted to use a beautiful day to present her autumn collection to the world. Both, Adam and she wore the best leaves they had and proudly walked through the garden.
- "Adam" - Eve said. - "When did you wash your leaf for the last time?"
- "My leaves are clean, Eve" - he replied. - " I washed it a week ago."
- "But it stink. I can feel it."
- "No dear, it was Rex. He's just farted."
- "No, it was not Rex. Let me see..."
- "Come on, Eve. Don't undress me in public. Eve..."
- "You idiot," - she yelled. - "I've told you for a million times... Don't use those leaves to wipe your ass. And how can't you remember... Yellow spotted leaf is the front one, and brown spotted is the rear."
Then we passed by the apple tree. When I ruined his beans he has planted the apple tree to make himself a shady place where he can rest and read all of his correspondence with another worlds. The tree was sacred, and no one was allowed to eat its fruits. I've heard later the apples are as good for digestion as beans, and also placed little bit higher, so I couldn't piss on it.
Then we passed by the apple tree. When I ruined his beans he has planted the apple tree to make himself a shady place where he can rest and read all of his correspondence with another worlds. The tree was sacred, and no one was allowed to eat its fruits. I've heard later the apples are as good for digestion as beans, and also placed little bit higher, so I couldn't piss on it.
- "Don't be angry with me dear" - Adam said. - "I'll show you something...See?"
Eve looked at a bouncing leaf on Adam's abdomen.
- "How are you doing this, Adam? What is this?" - She was surprised.
- "It is...a ...snake my dear, it is a snake..."
And then the first sex has happened. Eve was leaned on the tree, and while they were shaking, surprised apples started to fall to the ground. I was looking what was happening. They looked like possessed by devil, and even my bitch was standing, mute for the first time.
When they finished it was afternoon already, and the time for a decent dog to have a lunch. We had to hide all the evidences of that little human indiscretion, but what to do with the apples... If God finds out that his apple tree isn't sacred any more...I couldn't even think about it. So I was the first one who tasted an apple. What? Why do you think I'm a greedy pig? I was just wiping out the traces. You haven't seen angry God yet, but I did... More then one month I was afraid to piss...more then a month.
Then Eve came up to idea.
- "Adam" - she started - "You're so skinny, so you have to enter the room twice to be noticed. I think an apple pie will do some good to you."
And Eve has made another mistake, a very tasty mistake.
Just after she baked the pie, God came. We were trying to hide the pie, but my bitch couldn't stop to eat, so he saw it.
- "As I can see, you guys have some pie here. It smells like an apple pie. I thought we had a deal about the apples"
- "It wasn't our fault, my God" - Eve started to cry - "That was all because of a...snake."
That day God has banished us from The Garden.
Whole day Eve and Adam were crying, until they've invented the blues. Gods punishment to men was impotency, and for women it was their monthly period, so they can't make love whenever they want. My female companion became the guardian of the underworld - Cherberus, the multi-headed dog, and I... I had to reincarnate every time I die, and during every life I must to do at least one good deed to redeem my sins.
Yes, got the point... Do not pay for bad sex with an apple pie...it will make it even worse.
But never mind...because I still got the blues.
When they finished it was afternoon already, and the time for a decent dog to have a lunch. We had to hide all the evidences of that little human indiscretion, but what to do with the apples... If God finds out that his apple tree isn't sacred any more...I couldn't even think about it. So I was the first one who tasted an apple. What? Why do you think I'm a greedy pig? I was just wiping out the traces. You haven't seen angry God yet, but I did... More then one month I was afraid to piss...more then a month.
Then Eve came up to idea.
- "Adam" - she started - "You're so skinny, so you have to enter the room twice to be noticed. I think an apple pie will do some good to you."
And Eve has made another mistake, a very tasty mistake.
Just after she baked the pie, God came. We were trying to hide the pie, but my bitch couldn't stop to eat, so he saw it.
- "As I can see, you guys have some pie here. It smells like an apple pie. I thought we had a deal about the apples"
- "It wasn't our fault, my God" - Eve started to cry - "That was all because of a...snake."
That day God has banished us from The Garden.
Whole day Eve and Adam were crying, until they've invented the blues. Gods punishment to men was impotency, and for women it was their monthly period, so they can't make love whenever they want. My female companion became the guardian of the underworld - Cherberus, the multi-headed dog, and I... I had to reincarnate every time I die, and during every life I must to do at least one good deed to redeem my sins.
Yes, got the point... Do not pay for bad sex with an apple pie...it will make it even worse.
But never mind...because I still got the blues.
3. Genesis Fart 2 (broken dreams)
Then God created me, The Dog. I can remember, I was a soul, waiting in line in front of casting office, praying not to be chosen, and thinking if he really chooses me, where the hell he's going to send me.
- "What the fuck is a dog, and why I was there" - I wondered. But unfortunately, not for long.
God called me to approach him, and he said - "Now, listen to me Rex, tomorrow morning I'm going to take a pause. I'll sleep till the noon, and you are the chosen one. The one who will take care about the world I've created."
- "But why me?" - I've asked. - "There are many souls more competent then I am."
- "I didn't choose you for your competency" - he said. - "I just can't stand the smell of your breath. Every morning when you sleep in the neighbourhood, my wife makes me to wash my feet."
- "So listen to me carefully. You can go wherever you want, you can do whatever you please, but there's one thing you must know - Don't you ever piss on my beans. The whole world is yours, but the only things I'm going to keep are my beans!"
I had no choice but agree, and walk away cursing.
Very next morning I was walking around, playing with the beautiful creatures that God have made, feeling so happy. I've spent whole morning trying to figure out why did he give me so many holes. I tried to fill each, but my equipment didn't fit.
And finally, I managed to stick my tail into the smallest one, and when I've taken it out I've felt a miracle. I've farted... What a great experience it was. God was the only person who could fart by now and finally I've got that power as well.
-"Winds, winds, you wonderful winds" - I was singing for the rest of morning, pushing my tail in and pooling it out, exploring the joy of fart. Suddenly I've felt the call of the nature. I've looked left, then right, looked forward, back, left again... O shit, I didn't notice I was surrounded by the freakin` bean plants.
- "What the fuck is a dog, and why I was there" - I wondered. But unfortunately, not for long.
God called me to approach him, and he said - "Now, listen to me Rex, tomorrow morning I'm going to take a pause. I'll sleep till the noon, and you are the chosen one. The one who will take care about the world I've created."
- "But why me?" - I've asked. - "There are many souls more competent then I am."
- "I didn't choose you for your competency" - he said. - "I just can't stand the smell of your breath. Every morning when you sleep in the neighbourhood, my wife makes me to wash my feet."
- "So listen to me carefully. You can go wherever you want, you can do whatever you please, but there's one thing you must know - Don't you ever piss on my beans. The whole world is yours, but the only things I'm going to keep are my beans!"
I had no choice but agree, and walk away cursing.
Very next morning I was walking around, playing with the beautiful creatures that God have made, feeling so happy. I've spent whole morning trying to figure out why did he give me so many holes. I tried to fill each, but my equipment didn't fit.
And finally, I managed to stick my tail into the smallest one, and when I've taken it out I've felt a miracle. I've farted... What a great experience it was. God was the only person who could fart by now and finally I've got that power as well.
-"Winds, winds, you wonderful winds" - I was singing for the rest of morning, pushing my tail in and pooling it out, exploring the joy of fart. Suddenly I've felt the call of the nature. I've looked left, then right, looked forward, back, left again... O shit, I didn't notice I was surrounded by the freakin` bean plants.
-"Damn farts, I must run"- crossed my mind - "I must run fast. Otherwise... Aaaaaah... What a relief...oops!"
Exact that morning, (I've told him it's going to be a big mistake), God has made Adam to keep an eye on me and one on the world, so He made him squint. He forgot to implement one rib into Adam's body, so he decided to create a wife to Adam. He named her Eve. The rest of that story is well known.
How did he know about my pissing, was the only thing I've never figured out. Maybe some snake has told him.
That's how the things in the garden of Eden turned wrong. So, don't blame Eve just because I've started it all, and she has just continued...
Exact that morning, (I've told him it's going to be a big mistake), God has made Adam to keep an eye on me and one on the world, so He made him squint. He forgot to implement one rib into Adam's body, so he decided to create a wife to Adam. He named her Eve. The rest of that story is well known.
How did he know about my pissing, was the only thing I've never figured out. Maybe some snake has told him.
That's how the things in the garden of Eden turned wrong. So, don't blame Eve just because I've started it all, and she has just continued...
2. Genesis Fart 1 (dreaming of beans)
Let's see how it's all started.It was an easy day in Paradise. God was running his business in all the universes he made, and Mrs. God was cooking the dinner. (Pssst, Don't tell anybody that God was married. That is the biggest secret ever, and with a good reason.)
- Do you plan to spend the whole day reading your mail and watching your freakin' reality shows - she said - There's too much work around the house. I can't do it all by myself.
- Wait a second dear - God replied, - I just have to send few floods and earthquakes to some worlds, and I'll help you right after.
- The floods can wait, you lazy bastard, but if you want to eat potatoes for dinner you have to dig 'em out of the ground.
- Why do we have to eat potatoes every day? You can't cook anything else? I'd rather like to have some beans instead.
- Beans!? Oh, no...no,no! I don't want to listen your farting all day long. Last time your farts have melted whole paint down from the walls.
Then God has left the house.
- Damn potatoes! - God was angry - Damn my wife as well! How did I come up with the idea to create myself a wife.
Then he took a piece of ground and threw it away in anger. The ground was rolling through the space becoming a nice little planet.
- Oh, shit...shit! Now I've made another world to take care of... How stupid I am! This is not my day . I don't need that crap! I resign! That moment something crossed his mind.
- Hmmmm...Or maybe... Maybe I can create a world just for myself. A world far away from my wife, far away from all the crying people whose mails I'm receiving, far away from potatoes... Place populated only by the animals and pets, where I can plant fields of beans and fart my soul out.
And it was so...
The rest of story is classic.
First God made heaven & earth. And then he said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. Then God made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so. And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day. And God said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.And God made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day. So God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day. And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.
